Utani

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1. Mwanaume hata awe bahili vipi, hawezi kumpa mwanamke mimba nusu.

2. Hata uwe na magari mangapi chooni utaenda kwa miguu.

3. Kama ubinadamu kazi mbona hatupewi mishahara?

4. Ukichanganya wali na choroko unapata mseto, lakini hautibu malaria.

5. Hata njiwa nae ana makinda, lakini hawezi kuwa spika wa Bunge.

6. Hata uwe na haraka vipi kwenda Zenj, huwezi kupanda Jahazi ya Yusuph Mzee.

7. Umeme hauna kiuno lakini unaongoza kwa kukatika.

8. Hata uwe kauzu vipi, huwezi kujamba wakati unatongoza.

9. Hata uwe na imani kali vipi, huwezi kusali wakati unafanya mapenzi.

10. Hata kizibo ni mfuniko lakini hauwezi

kufunika sufuria.

================================================================================= *USILETE UTANI KATIKA MAPENZI*

_Mdada mmoja alitaka kujua kiasi gani anapendwa_
_na mume wake, hivyo akataka kujua mumewe_ _atafanya nini endapo ataamua kuondoka na_
_kumuacha!_
_Mwanamke huyo akaamua kuandika barua_
_inayosema *"Samahani mume wangu*,_ _*nimeamua*_
_*kuondoka na kwenda kuanza maisha mapya mbali*_
_*na wewe"*Barua hiyo akaiweka juu ya meza iliyokuwa_
_chumbani._

_Baadaye jioni, muda wa Mumewe kurudi_
_mwanamke huyo akajificha chini ya uvunguni_ _wa_
_wakitanda mule chumbani Mume alipoingia_
_chumbani akakuta ile barua juu ya meza,_ _akaisoma_
_kisha, akaandika maneno fulani kwenye ile ile barua,_
_halafu akaanza kuimbaimba kwa furaha huku_
_akipiga milunzi na akiwa anavua nguo.Akapiga_ _simu_
_na akasikika akisema hivi_ _*"hello mpenzi, nina raha*_
_*sana leo.. yule mwanamke nuksi ameondoka*_ _*mwenyewe bila kumfukuza*_
_*nakutuachia uwanja, jiandae*_
_*nakuja*~"Muda huo huo Mume akaondoka.~_
_Mwanamke alipokuwa uvunguni akawa analia na kutokwa na machozi akaamua kutoka_
_lakini amenyong'onyea na amelowa mashavu kwa_
_machozi._
_Akasogea pale ilipo barua na akataka kujua_
_mumewe aliandika kitu gani kwenye ile barua._
_Akakuta maneno haya *"nimekuona miguu yako*_
_*uvunguni tafadhali andaa chakula nina njaa sana*_
_*mumeo, ila nimetoka kidogo nafuata maziwa*_
_*nilisahau kupitia. Nakupenda mke wangu..*_
😀😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

_Hivi nani kampata mwenzakee_
_Km umeipenda plz share na mwenzako ujumbe aupate_
_Nimeipenda_

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Girlfriend is like internet VIRUS.

She will ENTER your life,

SCAN your pocket,

TRANSFER your money,

EDIT your mind,
DOWNLOAD her problems,
DELETE your smile
&
HANG your life.
So avoid your girlfrnd & send her number to ME
Bcoz...i'm a professional ANTIVIRUS...😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

...................................................................................................................................................

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     Unapewa number na nsichana

*_anakuambia uwe unampigia saa 6 pekee,unashindwa kuelewa na kujiuliza maswali mengi

*_kidogo kidogo unachunguza na kugundua kuwa amekusave_*alarm

*_"‪"_*

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

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                UTANI KWA KIINGEREZA

Latest Funny Jokes SMS in English

1. When I die, I want my grave to offer free Wifi so that people visit more often.

2. My goal in life isn’t to become famous or powerful…it’s to make enough money to eat whatever I want.

3. My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend.

4. I will marry the girl, who look pretty in her Adhaar card.

5. I love food and sleep. If I give you a bit of food or text you all night, that means something.

6. Diets are hard because I get hungry.

7. I trust a lot of people not to kill me every day.

8. I’m pretty sure my dogs only sit in the window and watch me leave so they know when it is safe to sit on the couch.

9. Some people should just give up at engineering or medical. Like I have!

10. We live in the era of smartphones and stupid peoples. 

Best Funny Text Messages

11. Doing nothing is very hard thing to do…you never know when to finish.

12. I love my job only when I’m on vacation.

13. AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

14. Just saw the most smartest person when I was in front of the mirror.

15. God is really creative, I mean...just look at me :P

16. My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours

17. I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy saving mode.

18. Please be patient even a toilet can handle only one ass hole at a time.

19. God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.

20. Whenever I have a problem, I just sing, Then I realize my voice is worse than my problem.

Best Funny SMS Jokes

21. Women should not have children after 20. Really… 20 children are enough.

22. That awkward moment when you realize that “deleting History” is more important than “creating History” nowadays.

23. If you can't Change a Girl.....Change the Girl.

24. When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…"

25. I think my iPhone is not working. I pressed the home button and I’m still at school.

26. I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice.

27. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

28. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

29. We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person.

30. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

Very Funny Msgs in English

31. Life is short…smile while you still have teeth.

32. People say everything happens for a reason. So when I punch you in the face, remember I have a reason.

33. Car headlights should flash at the same time the horn is pressed to alert people with hearing difficulties.

34. 500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

35. When two people are arguing and one person says “You know what…” , that argument is about to get awesome!

36. Asking if I’m hungry is like asking if I want money. The answer is always YES.

37. Life is short. Buy the damn shoes.

38. “F#CK It.” – My final thought before making most decisions.

39. I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.

40. 7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.

Latest Funny SMS Messages

41. There’s no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

42. If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

43. My boyfriend asked me for anal so I colour coordinated his sock drawer. I know what men want.

44. Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.

45. My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

46. Don’t grow up. It’s a trap.

47. Behind every crazy women is a man who made her that way.

48. Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful.

49. Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.

50. Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge

Most Funny English SMS 

51. Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

52. I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

53. My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

54. Never make eye contact while eating a banana.

55. I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.

56. Facebook is the refrigerator of the internet. I keep going back to it expecting something to appear that I’ll enjoy.

57. Don’t jump to confusions.

58. When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.

59. “I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional

60. I’m having trouble telling if it’s killing me or making me stronger.

Latest Funny Jokes SMS

61. Be f#%king polite. Please.

62. Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

63. Stop looking for trouble. I’m right here.

64. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.

65. Sure, your prince might come. But just in case he doesn’t, God created wine.

66. Few things turn me on like good grammar.

67. No one is ever “Just kidding”.

68. Aaaaand I’m already over this day.

69. Never let anyone tell you you’re too young to do something. A baby shark is still a f#%king shark.

70. I like my coffee like I like my oxygen – CONSTANT.

Best Funny Text Message

71. You’re ridiculous. Want to be best friends?

72. I’m happy as long as I’m not hungry.

73. I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday :)

74. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

75. Did anyone else get the email about them canceling school next week?

76. Yeah you're really pretty, pretty stupid.

77. You look like a before picture.

78. You have the perfect face for radio.

79. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

80. People said to follow your dreams so I went back to bed.

Best Funny SMS Jokes

81. Marriage means silent suicide.

82. Silent people have the craziest minds.

83. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.

84. Enjoy your life. There's is plenty of time to be dead.

85. Life is onetime offers use it well.

86. Do you still hate me? I don't care!

87. I don't get drunk, I get awesome.

88. 3 mistakes of everyone’s life: Facebook, Twitter and Whatsapp

89. 80% boys have a girlfriend and rest have a brain...

90. Trust me you will dance - Alcohol

Very Funny Msgs in English

91. Brains are wonderful, why don't have everyone.

92. Rules are made to be break.

93. Save Water, Drink Beer!

94. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

95. Virginity is like a soap bubble, one touch and it is gone.

96. Dear Google, please stop behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

97. When a woman says WHAT? Its not because she didn't hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you said.

98. How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

99. Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you.

100. I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button